This week is a sobering, beautiful reminder that nobody gets special treatment in this country. No matter how much money you have, and regardless of the influence you’ve gained over the years — everyone gets their official measurements when it comes to the justice system.
Donald Trump’s roster is taking shape already for his Longest Yard-esque football team. The 19 defendants who allegedly tried to overthrow the election are turning themselves in to Fulton County, Georgia and getting their mugshots taken — but more importantly we’re getting their official measurements from the Fulton County jail. So let’s take a look at how they stack up.
Donald Trump, 6’3, 215 pounds [allegedly … aka this is a lie]
NFL Equivalent: Derek Carr, 6’3, 215 pounds
Ain’t no way in hell. There is absolutely ZERO chance that Donald J. Trump is the same size as Derek Carr. Unlike the rest of the crew, Trump was allowed to self-report his own measurables based off his driver’s license. I don’t care if you wasted your money on Trump NFTs with him dressed like Hulk Hogan taking a bite out of a live horse, you know this is bullshit.
Just take a look at Trump compared to Carr in golfing attire, and tell me if these are the same dude.
The over/under on betting lines for the Thursday surrender were 278.5 pounds, with the majority taking the over. I’m taking some creative license because I have that right as a writer, and I’m going to say that DJT is easily three bills. He’s a tall, husky man — and I refuse to move on to the rest of the crew without a real comparison.
Donald Trump: 6’3, 303 pounds [estimated]
NFL Equivalent: Quinnen Williams, 6’3, 303 pounds
Tell me this isn’t MUCH closer than the lie that Trump is the same size as Derek Carr.
Rudy Giuliani, 5’11, 230 pounds
NFL Equivalent: Nick Chubb, 5’11, 227 pounds
We’ve got ourselves a big bruiser in the backfield here. Rudy is the same height as Chubb and three pounds heavier. Good luck stopping this bowling ball at the goal line! Also, like a lot of defenses it seems Rudy also has problems containing his chubb.
Mark Meadows, 6’1, 240 pounds
NFL Equivalent: Ray Lewis, 6’1, 240 pounds
Ideal MIKE linebacker traits here. The biggest difference between Meadows and Lewis is that Meadows stood back while a crowd wanted to kill a guy, while Ray Lewis was actually charged with killing a guy.
John Eastman, 5’7 170 pounds
NFL Equivalent: Jake Elliott, 5’9, 167 pounds
Every good list needs a kicker. Eastman is more like NFCEastman, because he is built very close to the Eagles’ placekicker. Only issues is his tendency to go WIDE RIGHT too often.
Scott Hall, 6’0, 235 pounds
NFL Equivalent: A.J. Brown, 6’1, 227 pounds
Look at this tall drink of water. Scott Hall is built like a tight end, but he lacks the height — so he’s closer to A.J. Brown of the Eagles, except he muscles away democracy instead of DBs.
Kenneth Chesebro, 5’11, 185 lbs
NFL Equivalent: Tyreek Hill, 5’10, 185 pounds
It’s crushing that there isn’t a Packers player for Chesebro to be like. Instead he’s pretty similar to Tyreek Hill, except without the speed, athleticism, muscle tone, elusiveness — but if he were to skip the country he could absolutely destroy Hill in yards after the catch.
Cathleen Latham, 5’2, 155 pounds
NFL Equivalent: Deuce Vaughn. 5’5, 176 pounds
This isn’t a perfect comparison, but we get roughly the same density of player. Vaughn is 5’5, 176 pounds — but this is close enough we can call it. The biggest difference is that the Cowboys’ breakout rookie has the speed to evade capture, while Cathleen Latham … not so much.
David Shafer, 5’5, 150 pounds
NFL Equivalent: Trindon Holliday, 5’5, 169 pounds
Trindon Holliday is no longer in the NFL, but he’s too good a fit for Shafer. It works too, because Holliday retired and Shafer is no longer the head of the Georgia Republican Party.
Sidney Powell, 6’0, 170 pounds
NFL Equivalent: Marquise Brown, 5’9, 181 pounds
Look at you Sidney Powell! Great measurables here for an excellent wide receiver. Need to add a little muscle mass, but you’re damn close to Marquise Brown of the Cardinals. Sadly since you got arrested it appears that getting separation is also a problem for you.
Ray Smith, 5’11, 195 pounds
NFL Equivalent: Stefon Diggs, 6’0, 194 pounds
If the rumors are true and Stefon Diggs wants out then we can definitely equate this to Ray Smith, who would also enjoy being free as well. Solid measurables for a slot receiver though, so I see some potential here.
Jenna Ellis, 5’7, 130 pounds
NFL Equivalent: Deven Thompkins, 5’8, 154 pounds
Jeanna Ellis has bad football measurables. She needs to hit the gym to make an NFL team, because it’s bad when Bryce Young out-weighs you by 75 pounds. I’m going with the shifty and elusive Deven Thompkins here.